I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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