I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize