How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize