I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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