Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Drake has all the answers
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
