someone threw a dead crab at me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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