Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
