My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
