I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
