WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
