I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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