my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
