you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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