dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
