Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
