We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
