I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
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When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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