I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
