just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"