Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.