She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
