she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
