Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
