sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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