White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
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Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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