I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
