come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
