is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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