I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
