I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
