he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My ass is underappreciated
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
