I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
