i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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