Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
