Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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