I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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