Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
