I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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