Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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