There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
