Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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