I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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