I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
