Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
