it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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