If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
