Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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