its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
