plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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