You're my little dorito
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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