whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
