mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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