two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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