In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
