I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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