Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
